Jokes To Share

[starscream]

http://www.vonna.com/jokes/funny-pictures/female-bashing/helpme.jpg

[SKYW4LKER]

Cannot read what is on his shoe ya :red:

[rookiyong]

"HELP ME" :laugh:

[des_yeo03]

Yeah.... :laugh: =)) :supz:

[starscream]

Money is not everything. There's MasterCard & Visa


One should love animals. They are so tasty.


Save water. Shower with your girlfriend.


Love the neighbor. But don't get caught.


Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every
unsuccessful man, there are two.


Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.


The wise never marry, and when they marry they become otherwise.


Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.


Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.


Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop.


Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children.


Your future depends on your dreams. So go to sleep.


There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.


Hard work never killed anybody. But why take the risk?


Work fascinates me. I can look at it for hours!


God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.


When two's company, three's the result!


A dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without
restricting the view.


The more you learn, the more you know, the more you know, and the more
you forget. The more you forget, the less you know. So why bother to
learn?

[Godmaster]

:laugh: Nice one starscream!

[Koo]

Wah very nice, hits hard, got some fact. :o

[Urahara_Store]

=)) =)) Win liao lor. [Success is a Relative term] =))

[[soundwave]]

有一天，小明和小华去餐厅吃东西。 小明和小华吃完没还钱就走了，经理却没说什么，还跟他们说欢迎回来。 为什么这个经理这么好？

[[soundwave]]

Nobody knows?

[des_yeo03]

']Nobody knows?
Ans pls....:thinking:

[[soundwave]]

Because 有一天 helped them paid the bill.

有一天 is a person :red:

[des_yeo03]

']Because 有一天 helped them paid the bill.

有一天 is a person :red:
=)) Like that also can....:beg:

[rookiyong]

']Because 有一天 helped them paid the bill.

有一天 is a person :red:

:cold:

Maybe have to set up a "cold jokes" thread :laugh:

[starscream]

Indeed. The level of appreciation of humour is of a different variety. Got more "normal" jokes to share? :D


:cold:

Maybe have to set up a "cold jokes" thread :laugh:

[Jankdev]

I heard a lot of Racist jokes from my friend..all done in good humour,nothing malicious. But some of them really funny, if dun mind, i can post a bit.

ANyway keep the Jokes coming!

[meow]

Dear Husband :

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for
good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have
nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your
boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was
the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had
gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even
wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and
went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you
love me anymore, you don't touch me or any thing. Either you're
cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I m
gone.


P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are
moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Your EX-Wife



Dear Ex-Wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true
that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good
woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to
try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I
did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first
thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother
raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When
you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY
BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to
sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag
was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother
had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your
negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt
that we could work it out. So when! I discovered that I had hit the
lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two
tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything
happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you
always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you
won't get a dime from me. So take care.


P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was
born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.


Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
:laugh:

[meow]

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that
they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"

She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said, "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see," he said.

"Okay," and she pulled up her skirt.

He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches,
I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said, "Oh, my gosh, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!"

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[Hades]

The 1st joke laugh me to death.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was
born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.


Anyway what does this means?? I dun really understand :thinking:

[meow]

his brother Carl was actually his sister Carla, then she became Carl...;)

[Hades]

his brother Carl was actually his sister Carla, then she became Carl...;)
hahahaha..... Now I get it liao... Damn funny sia

[Fire]

i don understand either....but these 2 jokes are good!:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: really funny.....

[SKYW4LKER]

The ex-wife whs write a 3rd letter - telling him she is actually a lesbian so is ok if he is now carla. :laugh:

[rookiyong]

Both are funny, but the second one is very cute...=))

[starscream]

Lump under Jokes thread? :)

[Godmaster]

Merged as requested..;)

Keep the jokes coming ya?:thumbsup:

[Darkbane]

One day a man went to the beach for suntanning. Its a nude beach so he did likewise, lying naked face up in the sun near a little girl building sand castle. He only place a hat over his couch and slowly he fell asleep. The wind came and blew away the hat, exposing his genitals.

And hour past, when the man woke up, he felt a excrutiating pain down under. He ask the little girl wat happen.

The girl said, "Oh! the wind blew away ur hat and I saw a cute little birdy in its nest. So i played with it but it spat at me."

"I was angry so I crushed the eggs, broke its neck and set its nest on fire!!"

:evil:

[[soundwave]]

Ok, another cold joke.

What brand of broom is the lousiest?

[Godmaster]

The little girl in Darkbane's post so fierce sia..Will she grow up to be a scary lady?:evil:

[meow]

ya scary sia.....her future husband must be careful :laugh:

[[soundwave]]

']Ok, another cold joke.

What brand of broom is the lousiest?

Looks like nobody interested.. Anyway heres the answer..

Firebird brand.
Lan Shao Ba~ Lan Shao Ba~ Huo Niao~!

[Godmaster]

']Looks like nobody interested.. Anyway heres the answer..

Firebird brand.
Lan Shao Ba~ Lan Shao Ba~ Huo Niao~!
Hahaha nice one there bro..:laugh:

[Hades]

']Ok, another cold joke.

What brand of broom is the lousiest?
wah u watch too much of Guess x3 last time liao is it?? :laugh:

[des_yeo03]

']Looks like nobody interested.. Anyway heres the answer..

Firebird brand.
Lan Shao Ba~ Lan Shao Ba~ Huo Niao~!
=)) Din expect that ans...:laugh:

[rookiyong]

I tried to guess, but always sucks at 欠扁问答题. :laugh:

[Godmaster]

Some jokes regarding before and after marriage.....:laugh:

Before marriage : I die for you.
After marriage : You die, up to you.
Much later : You die, I help you!

Before marriage : You go anywhere. . . I follow you.
After marriage : You go anywhere. . .up to you.
Much later : You go anywhere . . .better still.

Before wedding : You are my heart, you are my love.
After wedding : You get on my nerves.

Before wedding : You are sweet and kind just like Cinderella.
After wedding : You are worse than Godzilla. 0

Before wedding : Roses are red, violets are blue.Like it or not, I'm stuck with you.
After wedding : Roses are dead, I am blue. You get on my head, I will sue you.

Before wedding : Every makan he brings you to Shangri-La.
After wedding : You want to go, he says you wait-la.

Before wedding : Weekends at Cameron, Genting and Fraser's Hill.
After wedding : Furthest you go is Bukit Timah Hill.

Before wedding : He opens the car door.
After wedding : He opens his mouth and snores.

Before wedding : He was your ideal.
After wedding : He becomes your ordeal.

[Koo]

.... Not bad joke but dun make it real if possible :D .

[starscream]

:D farni.. nice one Chris!

Some jokes regarding before and after marriage.....:laugh:

Before marriage : I die for you.
After marriage : You die, up to you.
Much later : You die, I help you!

[Miracle]

Kids' Ideas About Love
Kids, aged 5 to 10, were asked questions about what they thought of love and marriage. Here's what they said.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Love and Marriage:
a.. "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." -- Glenn, age 7

b.. "Love is like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." -- John, age 9

c.. "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." -- Manuel, age 8

d.. "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." -- Mae, age 9

e.. "Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." -- Greg, age 8

f.. "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." -- Tom, age 5

g.. "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -- Mike, 10

h.. "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when Dinosaurs is on television." -- Jill, age 6

i.. "One of the people has freckles, and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." -- Andrew, age 6

j.. "My mother says to look for a man who is kind. That's what I'll do. I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -- Carolyn, age 8

k.. "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -- Kenny, age 7

l.. "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." -- Ava, age 8

m.. "When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced.'" -- Anita, 9

n.. "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." -- Regina, age 10

o.. "Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than once to find a live one." -- Angie, age 10

p.. "A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together." -- Marlon, age 10

q.. "[Being] single is better . . . for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." -- Kirsten, age 10

r.. "Love is foolish...but I still might try it sometime." -- Floyd, age 9

s.. "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." -- Dave, age 8
t..

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kissing ..

a.. "When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down, and they don't get up for at least an hour." -- Wendy, age 8

b.. "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -- Jim, age 10

c.. "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -- Kally, age 9

d.. "You learn [how to kiss] right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." -- Doug, age 7

e.. "If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission." -- Roger, age 6

f.. "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it." -- Tammy, age 10

g.. "I know one reason kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." -- Gina, age 8

h.. "The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." -- Curt, age 7

i.. "The rules goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry her and have kids with her. It's the right thing to do." -- Howard, age 8

j.. (on seeing a couple kissing) "He is trying to steal her chewing gum!" -- Boy, age 6

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Beauty:
a.. "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." -- Anita, age 8

b.. "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." -- Christine, age 9

c.. "It isn't always how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything, and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." -- Brian, age 7

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How People In Love Act:
a.. "Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." -- Brad, age 8

b.. "They act mooshy. Like puppy dogs, except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." -- Arnold, age 10

c.. "All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark." -- Sherm, age 8

d.. "Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up." -- Sarah, age 9

e.. "It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are -- on fire." -- Christine, age 9

f.. "See if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." -- John, age 9

g.. "Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -- Craig, age 9

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What Mom and Dad Have In Common:
a.. "Both don't want no more kids." -- Lori, age 8

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How To Tell If Two People Are Married:
a.. "Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." -- Eddie, age 6

b.. "You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." -- Derrick, age 8

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Deciding Who To Marry:
a.. "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." -- Allan, age 10

b.. "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." -- Kirsten, age 10

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Strategies For Making People Fall In Love With You:
a.. "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." -- Del, age 6

b.. "Shake your hips and hope for the best." -- Camille, age 9

c.. "Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs...and don't worry if their parents are right there." -- Manuel, age 8

d.. "Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." -- Alonzo, age 9

e.. "One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." -- Bart, age 9

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Best Age To Get Married:
a.. "Twenty three is the best age because you know the person forever by then." -- Cam, age 10

b.. "No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married!" -- Freddie, age 6

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Good Advice About Love:
a.. "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." -- Dick, age 7

b.. "Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." -- Lynnette, age 8

c.. "Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!" -- Ricky, age 7

d.. "Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love." -- Erin, age 8

e.. "Sensitivity don't hurt." -- Robbie, age 8

f.. "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." -- Erin, age 8

g.. "Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind. Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch." -- Natalie, age 9

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What To Do When a First Date Turns Sour:
a.. "I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." -- Craig, age 9

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What Most People Are Thinking When They Say "I Love You":
a.. "The person is thinking: 'Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.'" -- Michelle, age 9

b.. "Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it, and now they can go eat." -- Dick, age 7

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why People In Love Often Hold Hands:
a.. "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off, because they paid good money for them." -- Gavin, age 8

b.. "They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." -- John, age 9

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Titles of Love Ballads You Can Sing To Your Loved One:
a.. "'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!'" -- Eddie, age 6

b.. "'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.'" -- Larry, age 8

c.. "'I Am In Love With You Most of the Time, But Don't Bother Me When I'm With My Friends.'" -- Bob, age 9

d.. "'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?'" -- Arnold, age 10

e.. "'Honey, I Got Your Curly Hair and Your Nintendo On My Mind.'" -- Sharon, age 9

f.. "'Hey, Baby, I Don't Like Girls, But I'm Willing To Forget You Are One!'" -- Will, age 9

[rookiyong]

Accident Report from Workers' Compensation Board

Here's an accident report from the Workers' Compensation Board.

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs.. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof,swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs. of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs..

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly,I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.. I refer you again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

[starscream]

Quip 1: Marriages are made in heaven, but so again are thunder and lightning.

Quip 2: If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Quip 3: Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Quip 4: Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Quip 5: When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.

Quip 6: Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Quip 7: Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Quip 8: Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and is a good cook, but the law allows only one wife.

Quip 9: Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.

Quip 10: Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.

[starscream]

Click Here (http://www.hkbirdflu.com/sadchick.htm) :laugh:

[Hades]

一樣的雞肉,一樣的雞蛋... funny sia :laugh:

[Urahara_Store]

=)) Bird flu also can make flash ah. Hmm actually no chicken really quite sad wor :D

[meow]

this one is good :laugh:

It is a myth that when a son gets married and a new daughter-in- law
arrives in the family, everything changes. Some daughters in law are
well trained and well mannered!!!!!. They don't come to change the family,
they are there to............

(read the story below to find out ....)

*****

The new wife was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional
manner. As expected she gave a speech:

My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family",
she said "Firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to
change your way of life, your routine. No, I will never do that, never in
a million years".

"What do you mean my child?"? Asked the father in law.

"What I mean that is (looking at her father in law):

Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked shouldn't stop at my account, and Those who used to Clean
should continue cleaning".

"Then what are you here for?"? Asked the mother in law.

"As for me, my job is to entertain your son!"

=))

[Urahara_Store]

=)) Like TCS CHannel 5 sloga 'Pure Entertainment' :laugh:

[Koo]

Wah lah entertainment for the son, pro man this joke.:thumbsup:

[meow]

enjoy, who want to be next on the Q :laugh:

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most
unusual funeral procession. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one
about 50 feet behind the first.


Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.


Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with
the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to
disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you
walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"


The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife.
The inquisitive man asked, "What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when
the dog attacked and killed her also."


A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.


Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?"


The man replied "Please join the queue..."

=))

[Hades]

wah, the guys really hate their wives and their mother-in-law sia :laugh:

[meow]

This is good :supz:

> Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument
> about who was better on the
> computer. They had been going at it for days, and
> frankly, God was tired of
> hearing all the bickering.
>
>
>
> Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT!!
>
> I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that
> will run for 2 hours,
> and from those results, I will judge who deserves
> the better job". So Satan
> and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
>
> They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. They
> e-mailed with attachments. They
> downloaded. They did spreadsheets. They wrote
> reports. They created labels
> and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did
> some genealogy reports.
> They did every job known to man.
>
>
>
> Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was
> faster than hell. Then,
> ten minutes before their time was up, lightning
> suddenly flashed across the
> sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course,
> the power went off.
>
>
>
> Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every
> curse word known in the
> underworld. Jesus just sighed.
>
> Finally the electricity came back on, and each of
> them restarted their
> computers. Satan started searching frantically,
> screaming: "It's gone! It's
> all GONE!! I lost everything when the power went
> out!" Meanwhile, Jesus
> quietly started printing out all of his files from
> the past 2 hours of work.
> Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he
> screamed. "That's not fair!
> He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't
> have any?"
>
> God just shrugged and said.....
> (scroll down..... your gonna love this one)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Jesus saves. :supz:

[Jankdev]

Wah loa...thats a good one.. :laugh:

[rookiyong]

:laugh: :laugh: That's a funny one.

[Koo]

Meow "God saves" maybe better damm nice this joke thxs for sharing.:D

[meow]

Meow "God saves" maybe better damm nice this joke thxs for sharing.:D

cannot put God save cos this is a competition between Jesus & Satan :laugh:
if God 'save' then kelong liao :laugh:

[meow]

beware of Ah Ma :laugh:

>An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
>Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
>
>Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
>
>Older Woman: Oh, I see.
>
>Officer: Can I see your license please?
>
>Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
>
>Officer: Don't have one?
>
>Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
>
>Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
>
>Older Woman: I can't do that.
>
>Officer: Why not?
>
>Older Woman: I stole this car.
>
>Officer: Stole it?
>
>Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
>
>Officer: You what?
>
>Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to
>see
>
>The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
>calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A
>senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
>
>Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
>steps out of her vehicle.
>
>Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
>
>Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have
>
>
>stolen this car and murdered the owner.
>
>Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
>
>Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk
>
>of your car, please.
>
>The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but
>
>an empty trunk.
>
>Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
>
>Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
>
>The officer is quite stunned.
>
>Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license
>
>The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands
>it to the officer.
>
>The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
>
>Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have
>a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
>up the owner.
>
>Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
>
>Don't Mess With Old Ladies

:thumbsup:

[meow]

Subject: FW: Husband Store....

Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store
operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the
shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may
choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are
extremely good looking.


"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the
fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead
good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!"she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to
the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead
gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor! There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit
the building, and have a nice day!

Please send this to all men for a good laugh and to all the women who can
handle the truth!

=))

[Fire]

these jokes are damn solid!! really enjoy reading...especially the ah ma and jesus one:thumbsup: :thumbsup: more mroe more pls:hello: :hello:

[Koo]

Great jokes I like Ah Ma especially because got stupid policeman being conned by "ah ma"!:laugh:

Revenge of the Ah Ma (Ah Ma Wars) directed by me.:laugh:

[rookiyong]

Some old jokes, but a little laughter :D

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.".

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question.

"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn.

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

So much for smart lawyers and dumb blondes!

[rookiyong]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[rookiyong]

Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00".

Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"That's obvious" the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture."

[meow]

A certain rich businessman had a beautiful daughter, who fell in love with
a guy who was a cleaner.When the girl's father came to know about their
love, he did not like it >> > >at all, and so began to protest about it.
Now it happened that the two lovers decided to leave their homes for a
happy future. The girl's father started searching for the two lovers but
could not find them. At last, he accepted their love and asked them to
come back home in a local newspaper. Her father said "If you both come
back I will allow you to marry the guy you love, I accept that you loved
each other truly."
So in this way, their love won and they returned home. The couple went to
town to shop for the wedding dress. He was dressed in white shirt that
day. While he was crossing the road to the other side to get some drinks
for his wife, a car came and hit him and he died on the spot. The girl
lost her senses. It was only after
sometimes that she recovered from her shocked. The funeral and cremation
was the very next day because he had died horribly.
Two nights later, the girl's mother had a dream in which she saw an old
lady. The old lady asked her mother to wash the blood stains of the guy
from her daughter's dress as soon as possible. But her mother ignored the
dream.
The next night her father had the same dream, he also ignored it. Then
when the girl had the same dream the next night, she woke up in fear and
told her mother about the dream. Her mother asked her to wash the clothes
which have blood stains immediately.
She washed the stains but some remained. Next night she again had the same
dream she again washed the stains but some still remained. Next night she
again had the same dream and this time the old lady gave her a last
warning to wash the blood stain, or else something terrible will happen.
This time the girl tried her best to wash the stains, and the clothes
nearly tore, but some stains still remained. She was very tired. In the
late evening the same day while she was alone at home, someone knocked the
door. When she opened the door she saw the same old lady of her dream
standing at her door. She got very scared and fainted.
The old lady woke her up... and pour something on her, which shocked the
girl. She screamed "What is this!!?"



The old lady replied...


"Try DYNAMO Liquid Soap... just a dab and it will remove all stubborn
stains!!!" ..................................


:D

[Hades]

This 1 is lame :o

[meow]

Natural selection
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular attrition of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers!

Cheer mate :laugh:

[meow]

The man and the frog
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week."
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, Look, I'm a Software Engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

The young man's Ferrari
A hip young man goes out and buys a 1997 Ferrari GTO. It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks,
"What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot cooming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM!
It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man moans and replies, "Yes, Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
:D

[meow]

Superman bored
Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting and wanted to go out & party. So he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill & he had to look after him. A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Cat Woman. As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs open. Superman thought to himself? I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex & out again before she knew what was happening. So Superman did his super thing in a split second & flies off happily. Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder woman said: "Did you hear anything?". "No" said the Invisible Man, "But my ass hurts like hell!".

The little Angel on top of the Christmas tree
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

The little old lady and the bet
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!".
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady wanted to know if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

What not to name your dog
Everybody who has a dog calls him 'Rover' or 'Boy'. I call mine 'Sex'. He's a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment. When I went to the city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said: 'I'd like one, too.' The I said: 'But this is a dog.' He said he didn't care what she looked like. The I said: 'You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 years old.' He winked and said: 'You must have been quite a kid.'
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk thai I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said: 'You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we won't care what you do.' I said: 'Look, you don't seem to understand, Sex keeps me awake at night.' The clerk said: 'Funny - I have the same problem.'
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. 'But you don't understand,' I said, 'I hoped to have Sex on TV. He said: 'Now that cable is all over the place it's no big deal any more.'
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said: 'Your Honour, I had Sex before I was married.' The judge said: 'The courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please.' Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said: 'Me, too.'
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked: 'What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?' I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday...


:laugh:

[starscream]

I like the Ferrari one =))

[meow]

>Ghost Story #1 ---
>
>When I was young, I lived in a deserted kampong deep in the
>jungle. Every night, my mother would ask me not to go home
>too late as there won't be any transportation after a
>certain time.
>
>One night, before going home, I ta pao a kueh teow soup for
>supper. I was late and I waited for the taxi/bus but there
>was none. I was getting worried as the night was getting
>darker and darker. So I tried to flag down private vehicles
>to take me home.
>
>There was no one stopping for me, till one motorcyclist took
>compensation on me and stopped to give me a lift. He was a
>man with a kind face. I accepted his offer and got onto his
>motorbike.
>
>On the way home, we would pass by a temple. At night, the
>temple would look eerily spooky with the dim lights from the
>candles.
>
>At first,
>the motorcyclist was warm and friendly. When the temple was
>approaching, the motorcyclist eyes grown bigger and bigger.
>His kind face turned to a face of anger. He was muttering
>something loud but was not audible to me. I was so scared
>that I closed my eyes in order not to see his angry face.
>
>Then, the motorcylist stopped in front of the temple and
>then yelled at me.
>
>"Your kueh teow soup is so hot!! It is burning my thigh! Can
>you please move it away???"
>



>Ghost Story #2
>---
>
>When I was young, I have two friends who were very close to
>each other. They played with each other everyday. It was
>like, if you see A, you would see B next to him. They were
>always together.
>
>A loved fried eggs. Whenever he went out for lunch or dinner
>, without fail, he would ask for fried egg on top of his
>noodles, fried rice, etc.
>
>One day, A involved in an accident and died.
>
>B was devastated. B went to the cemetery to pray everyday.
>He would go
>to the nearest restaurant and ta pao a box of fried rice
>with an egg on top to be offered to A when he went to pray
>to him.
>
>The next day, he opened the box and there was no egg inside!
>B was petrified. He thought, must be A who came and took the
>fried egg away.
>
>The same thing happened the next day and the day after that.
>
>B was confused. So, one day, he asked the chef to make the
>same fried rice with a fried egg again. Then, he went to the
>cemetery to offer it to A. Curious, he opened the box to
>check for the egg. He was angry to find that, there was no
>fried egg in the box after all.
>
>Feeling that he had been cheated, he went back to the
>restaurant and demanded to see the Chef. "Where is the fried
>egg?? I told you there must be a fried egg inside!! You have
>cheated me for a few days now! Gimme back my money!!"
>
>Then, the Chef got really angry and opened the box - the
>fried egg was inside the box.
>
>The
>Chef said, "Stupid! You open the box upside down. No wonder
>you cannot see the egg!!"
>
>Ghost Story #3
>---
>
>When I was young, I went to town to work with a group of
>friends during our summer holidays of two months. Being
>young and away from home for the first time, we drank and
>smoke like nobody's business.
>
>One night, we were pissed drunk and flagged the last bus
>down to go home.
>
>Being tired, we slept in the bus.
>
>It had been awhile that I fell asleep. I was awake by the
>chilly wind. I was shocked to find that there was no one in
>the bus, and I was the last passenger. I looked in front to
>check out for the driver. But the driver was no where in
>sight. Yet, the bus was moving.
>
>I panicked shitless. I rubbed my eyes to make sure that I
>was not dreaming. The night was dark and cold.
>
>I hysterically jumped out from the bus and tried to run as
>hard as I could to get away.
>
>Then I heard someone yelled at me from
>behind the bus.
>
>"Hey! Don't run away! Come over here and help to push the
>bus!" yelled the bus driver.
>
>I saw my other friends helping to push the bus, which broke
>down while I was asleep.

:laugh:

[Koo]

meow's jokes are good:thumbsup: .

[meow]

meow's jokes are good:thumbsup: .

thankQ thankQ :laugh:

[meow]

An Indian moves to Montreal and goes to a big department store looking for a job.

The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The Indian says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home".

Well, the manager liked the young man, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did, but
let me give you a bit of advice. If a customer comes looking, say, for toothpaste, you might suggest for him a toothbrush, or shaving cream
etc. You get the idea?"

"Of course," the young man said. His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down. "How many sales did yo u make today?

The Indian says, "One"

The manager groans, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales/day.

How much was t he sale for?"

The Indian says, "$101, 237.64."

The manager exclaims, "What? $101,237.64? What did you sell him?"

The Indian replied, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a
new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so
we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so
I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero."

The manager says "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!"

The Indian says, "No, no, no, he came in here to buy a box of Kotex for his wife and I said, "Well, since your weekend's already screwed up you
might as well go fishing!!"

The manager fainted...

Cheers!
:laugh:

[Fire]

nice joke meow!! this thread very interesting....after reading feel very relax..no stress:thumbsup: more jokes meow?

[rookiyong]

That salesman joke is very funny.:laugh:

[meow]

For those who wanted to be part of Extreme Makeovers

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time
up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
Facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck.

She
even had someone come in and change her hair color.

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well
make
the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another
40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

You'll love this!!!)

God replied,
...................
.....
.....
.....
...
...
.
.
.
.
.
..
"I didn't recognize you."



=))

[Koo]

OMG "god" did have voice, DNA, etc to assist him in idenifity his flock of sheeps.=)) Indian salesman made the sales of the day hit list!=D>

[Miracle]

Less comments and more jokes everyone. :D

Here's mine:

LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT
MORNING.

I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY,
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME.

AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."

I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER.

MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD.

SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT
DESPONDENT.

AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY, JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD
REMEMBERED.

I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU
KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO
OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."

I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S
GO!"

WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED
INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND
I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY.

ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL
DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"

I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?"

SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."

AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU
DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT
BACK."

"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.

SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES; SHE CAME OUT
CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE...
FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL
SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".

AND I JUST LAY THERE...

ON THE COUCH...

NAKED.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wonder if shadowdancer has any more Ah Beng jokes. :D

[Marky]

Meow... good jokes.. haha.. more man.. more!!

[Koo]

An american serviceman with his buddies were out hunting at the 49th parellel in Korea. They spotted a wild boar and without hestition shot it for a good meal back at base. Our dear serviceman run to retrieve the dead boar. He jump over a low conwire fence with ease without seeing the attached red sign. He run across a open field to the dead boar and was back with the boar on his back under 5 mins. His buddies were stunned when he reach the jeep they were using as transport. "Whups guys" he asked figuring something is wrong as he catch his breath after the run. His buddies repiled "did you know you run across a bloody minefield and back with a boar on your back, you dumbass!"

[Jinxy]

WARNING: Mine is rather explicit (dirty)... if it's too much you can remove and sorry.

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans' penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00 ( 3 cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead!

[LoneWolf]

haha nice one:laugh:

[starscream]

Wah Jinxy post such jokes.. :D

[rookiyong]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to
see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer
slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps
out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a probem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite
stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to
the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


Don't Mess With Old Ladies

[rookiyong]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a long day they climb into their tent and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.

"Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"

[Miracle]

Here's my contribution for today. :D

FARTSOLOGY

A fart can be quiet
A fart can be loud
Some leave a powerful
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short
Or a fart can be long
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song

A fart can create
A most curious medley
A fart can be harmless
Or silent and deadly

A fart might not smell
White others are vile
A fart pass quickly
Or linger awhile

A fart can occur
In a number of places
And leave everyone
With strange looks on their faces

From wide open prairie
To small elevators
A fart will find all of us
Sooner or later

But not all farts are bad
This is simply not true
We mustn't forget
There's special ole farts just like you

[meow]

wah Jinxy...nice one :thumbsup:

here's mine today

A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the
loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to China on
business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of
security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a
new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces
the title and everything checks out.

The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000
loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Chinese returns , repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are
very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked
out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we
checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What
puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000 ?"

The Chinese replies:
Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only
$15.41 and expect it to be there when I return ?"

:laugh:

[meow]

High on a hillside, a shepherd is tending his flock when a BMW winds up the track towards him.

A young man in an expensive suit gets out and says, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you hv, will you let me hv one?"

The sheperd agrees, so the young man gets out a laptop, connects to a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, compiles a complicated spreadsheet, then tells the farmer, "You hv 1586 sheep."

"Correct", says the farmer. the young man selects one of the animals and bundles it into his car.

"Now", says the shepherd. " if I can guess what your job is, can i hv my animal back?" sure, says the young man.

"You are a management consultant," says the shepherd.

"How did u guess that?" says the youn man.

"Easy", says the shepherd. " you turned up though nobody wants you here, you want to be paid for an answer i already knew, to a question i never asked, and you know nothing about my business.

"Now, give me back my dog!"

=))

[LoneWolf]

High on a hillside, a shepherd is tending his flock when a BMW winds up the track towards him.

A young man in an expensive suit gets out and says, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you hv, will you let me hv one?"

The sheperd agrees, so the young man gets out a laptop, connects to a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, compiles a complicated spreadsheet, then tells the farmer, "You hv 1586 sheep."

"Correct", says the farmer. the young man selects one of the animals and bundles it into his car.

"Now", says the shepherd. " if I can guess what your job is, can i hv my animal back?" sure, says the young man.

"You are a management consultant," says the shepherd.

"How did u guess that?" says the youn man.

"Easy", says the shepherd. " you turned up though nobody wants you here, you want to be paid for an answer i already knew, to a question i never asked, and you know nothing about my business.

"Now, give me back my dog!"

=))

Nice one:laugh:

[Fire]

any management consultant here....??:laugh: :laugh: dont get angry hor...:laugh: :laugh:

[Fire]

wah Jinxy...nice one :thumbsup:

here's mine today

A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the
loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to China on
business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of
security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a
new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces
the title and everything checks out.

The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000
loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Chinese returns , repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are
very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked
out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we
checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What
puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000 ?"

The Chinese replies:
Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only
$15.41 and expect it to be there when I return ?"

:laugh:

good idea!!! now who ever had a car out there....try this out lah...see whether our local bank will do the same thing....:laugh:

[meow]

good idea!!! now who ever had a car out there....try this out lah...see whether our local bank will do the same thing....:laugh:

local no need lah, parking not that x, some more most of them already got season parking, no need to go borrow $$$ :laugh:

[Fire]

but this one got personal bank security look after your ferrari leh...who to find out side...:yeah:

[meow]

>> 问.：人在什么时候会想喝汽水????
>> 答案 ：孤单的时候
>> 因为......
>> 当你孤单你会想起谁(汽水)!!!!
>>

>> 问 ：蜘蛛侠是什么颜色？
>> 答案 ：是白色！
>> （S PI DER MAN）
>> 是白的 MAN 嘛！
>>
>>
>> 问 ：请问.亲?-若打篮球，谁最能守得住他？
>> 答案 ：慈母??你没听过"慈母手中线，游子身上衣"么？
>>
>> 问 ：什么动物是最色（好色）的？为什么？
>> 答案 ：是无尾熊！因为无尾熊整天抱着树干！
>>
>>
>> 问 ： 请把－西瓜，班长和晚上的英文读出。
>> 答案：我的美人摸你的奶！！！！！！（watermelon,monitor,night）
>>

>>
>>
>> 问 ：那个皇帝是瞎的？
>> 答案 ：康熙(can't see)。
>>
>>
>> 问 ：一个洋人夹在两个印度人的中间。你又叫什么？
>> 答案 ：OREO饼干。

>>
>> 问 ：有两个人掉进海。一个叫Alex，另一个叫什么呢？
>> 答案 ：叫救命。
>>
>>
>> 问：新加坡有很多外地劳工。来至印度，叫印劳。来至泰国，叫泰劳。
>> 请问在新加坡，哪一劳赚最多钱？？？
>> 答案 ：麦当劳。

>>
>> 问 ：大白和小白是兄弟。小白长得像大白。猜四字。
>> 答案 ：真相大白(真像大白)。
>>
>>
>> 问 ：为何鱼那么聪明？
>> 答案 ：鱼片米粉。
>>
>>
>> 问：咸蛋，茶蛋跟臭鸡蛋一起考试。其中一人被指作弊。是谁？
>> 答案 ：咸蛋，因为咸蛋超人=咸蛋抄人。
>>
>>
>>
>> 问 ：Tunku Abdul Rahman骑电单车为什么会被警察捉？
>> 答案 ：因为有三个人。
>> Tunku,Abdul和Rahman..
>>
>> 问 ：蛋糕跌倒了，是谁鼓励它站起来的？
>> 答案 ：答案是豬
>> 因z橹旃帕Φ案?
>>
>>
>>
>> 问 ：年轻人和老太婆发身一夜情后，年轻人死了，why?
>> 答案 ：因为他喝了过期的奶!!~~~~
>>
>>
>>
>> 问 ：请问世界上哪个国家最冷？？
>> 答案 ：因为THAILAND（太冷）。。。。。

=))

[meow]

Excellent poems by unknown poets
.......found on toilet doors and walls

A budding poet trying his best

Here I lie in stinky vapor
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper
Shall I lie, or shall I linger
Or shall I be forced to use my finger

Another to-be poet, he wrote this

Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to shit
But only farted


Someone who had a different experience wrote

You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart
And shit my pants !

Perhaps it's true that people DO find inspiration in toilets

I came here
To shit and stink
But all I do
Is sit and think


There are also people who come in for a different purpose

Some come here to sit and think
Some come here to shit and stink
But I come here to scratch my balls
And read all this bullshit on the walls


And finally, this should teach some a lesson
A sign seen at a family restaurant's toilet wall :

The hands that clean these toilets also make your food
........ so please aim properly !

=))

[meow]

here is today's medication :laugh:

Employee Sport Preferences

After a two-year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.

3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.

Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller the balls are.

=))

[Marky]

Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller the balls are.

=))

How true.. haha.. =))

[LooK]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v647/markc0912/wanted.jpg

No.1 wanted guy in HH... Anybody wif his infor pls contact LooK, Marky or taesake!!
URGENT!!




j/k :laugh:

[Lolicon2000]

Not very well done leh, the picture...

[Hades]

I spotted him located at CSC on the Sunday flea market area. pls take yr actions fast before he slipped away :laugh:

[Koo]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v647/markc0912/wanted.jpg

No.1 wanted guy in HH... Anybody wif his infor pls contact LooK, Marky or taesake!!
URGENT!!




j/k :laugh:

Eh you want him dead or alive one (i perfer to sent him to you after a kock-out)? I then can sent people to do the dirty work.:evil: Anyway dun take his picture from the picture forum.[-X Later he sue you for misuse of his picture.:nah: Miserable 000,003 is it S$3.00 dollars reward only?

[starscream]

>
> There once was a very good old barber in New York. One day a
*florist*goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the
barber and the
> barber replies:
>
> "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.
> The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber
> goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting
> at his door.
>
>
> A *policeman *goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after
> the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from
> you. I am doing com munity service." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
> The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you
card
> and a dozen donuts waiting at his door
>
>
> A *Singaporean* software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to
> pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I
cannot
> accept money from you. I am doing community service." The Singaporean
> software engineer is happy and leaves. The next morning when the barber
goes
> to open his shop, guess what he finds there...
> Can you guess?
>
>
>
>
> Come on, think like a Singaporean....
>
>
>
>
>
> have you got the answer ...........
>
>
>
>
>
> come on ............
> guess
>
>
>
>
>
> *
> **.... **a dozen Singaporeans waiting for a free haircut!** *
>