Jokes To Share

[OperationZero]

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

[Akira Fudou]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'

good one!! i love it =))

[des_yeo03]

good one!! i love it =))


Hahaa, yeah, first time i ve heard of this. Classic! :thumbsup:

[OperationZero]

When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."

"Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked.

"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."

"Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"

He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"

[OperationZero]

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

[OperationZero]

Working for a Judge in a common pleas court, I saw many criminal defendants. One man facing drug charges proved unusually helpful.

To determine the exact quantity of the illegal substance allegedly sold, the judge asked the prosecutor how many grams there are in an ounce.

As both attorneys checked their notes, the defendant, who had not yet entered his plea, proudly announced, "There are 28.3 grams in an ounce, your honor."

His attorney advised him to plead guilty.

[OperationZero]

A woman went to doctors office where she was seen by one of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down in another room and told her to relax. The older doctor marched down hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor calmly continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

[OperationZero]

What All Those Acronyms Really Mean
ISDN = It Still Does Nothing

APPLE = Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

IBM = I Blame Microsoft

DEC = Do Expect Cuts

CA = Constant Acquisitions

CD-ROM = Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 = Obsolete Soon, Too.

SCSI = System Can't See It

DOS = Defunct Operating System

BASIC = Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

WWW = World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH = Most Applications Crash; If Not, The OS Hangs

[OperationZero]

A couple decide they had to tighten their belts financially, she says

'You are spending 16 bucks a week on cans of beer, that has to stop'.

A week later he says, 'Hang on, you are spending 28 bucks a week on make-up'.

'Yes', she replies 'But that is to make me look nice and attractive for you'.

He replies ,'That's what the beer was for!!'

[OperationZero]

A Paddy walking through a field sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Paddy shouts 'Na ol an t-uisce, ta slan de chac bo' (Don't drink the water, it's full of cowshit.)

The man shouts back 'I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you'.

The Paddy shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.

[OperationZero]

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."

[rookiyong]

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right..... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

[rookiyong]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi."

:D

[Hitman]

Got two cows

TRADITIONAL CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk
of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an
ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called
'Cowkimon' and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat
once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch..

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them..
You claim full employment and high bovine
productivity.
You have the newsman who reported on the numbers
arrested.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You worship them.

A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06
per litre.
Then midway through, you raised the price to RM0.60 or
you cut the supply.
When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change
your mind again and now want RM1.20.
The buyer decided you can keep the milk and they go
look for milk that comes from recycled cows or the cow
urine instead.
Your two cows retire together with the Prime Minister.

And last but not least,

A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
One cow-peh and one cow-bu.

[rookiyong]

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, 'Sayang, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.'

He looks at her and says angrily, 'Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a Philips logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so.'

'Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.'

To which he replied, 'Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Mitsubishi written on my forehead? I don't think so.'

'Fine,' she says, 'Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break.'

'I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps,' he says. 'Does it look like I have Ikea written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you.. I'm going out for a drink!!!'

So he goes to the neighbourhood kopitiam and stays there for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.

As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a drink, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

'Sayang, how'd all these get fixed?'

She said, 'Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either to bake him a cake or have sex with him.'

The husband asked, 'So, what kind of cake did you bake him?'
She replied, 'Hellooooo... Do you see Bengawan Solo written on my forehead?'

[evodarren]

INVENTING A WOMAN

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention. The assembly line for the automobile changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in heaven you want." Ford thinks about it, and says, "I want to hang out with God himself." So the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the throne room, and introduces him to God.

Ford asks God, "When you invented woman, what were you thinking?" God asks, "What do you mean?" "Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:"

1. There's too much front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.
5. Every 28 days it leaks fluid and is rendered out of service.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.

"Humm," replies God, "Hold on a minute."

God goes over to the celestial supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time, the computer prints out a report and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, "You are 100% correct, my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[evodarren]

DISAPPOINTED SALESMAN


A disappointed salesman of Pepsi returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Pepsi is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic.

So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters. First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand totally exhausted and panting. Second, the man is drinking our Pepsi and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place."

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left."

[evodarren]

A BUNNY'S WISH

A bear was chasing this bunny around a forest. They ran into a clearing and were running around a certain huge redwood where a genie lived. The genie got so tired of the racket that he finally came out and told the pair that he would grant them 3 wishes a piece if they would just leave him alone.

The pair agreed.

The bear said he would go first. "I wish that all the bears in this forest were female." The genie granted the wish.

The bunny just grinned and asked for a helmet. The bear thought that strange but continued. "I wish that all the bears in this country to be female!" The genie granted the wish.

The bunny just grinned again and wished for a motorcycle. He jumped on the bike, put on his helmet and started gunning it.

The bear looked at the bunny and said, "You must be the stupidest bunny I ever met!" Then he asked for his last wish. "I wish that all the bears in this world to be female!" The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and said, "I wish the bear was gay."

[Hitman]

Before & After marriage

:D


Before marriage.... .

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!



After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to the top.

[rookiyong]

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot
after shot.

The Indian man said to the American, 'You know my parents are forcing me to
get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't
even met once.' We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a
woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot
of family problems.'

The American said, talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story.
I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. 'After a
couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married
her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's
father-in-law.

Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and
so he is my uncle.

Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my
brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I
am my own grandson.. And you say you have family problems...
The Indian fainted...

[Liberty]

i heard an amazingly lame riddle that me chuckling and going ("-_-)

QN: What do you call a state with only pink cars?
ANS: A pink carnation.

[ShockerRider]

CLAP........ =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D>
like tat also can hahahaaa